Absolutely Nothing to do with Hiking

Over the past several months it has come to my attention that I am the target of a workplace bully.

I’ve decided to write about it and make it public because I’m tired. Tired is too simple of a word. I’m exhausted. 

I also wanted to take an opportunity to educate people on bullying in the workplace so that if anyone else is experiencing this – you can be re-assured that you are not alone and maybe learn from my mistakes!

An article I found online (The Street, May 2014), identified 7 traits of bullies. My colleague (whom I will refer to as The Bully) regularly exhibits these traits.

Sign #1: Ignoring, isolation and exclusion

This form of abuse could involve the perpetrator:

• Deliberately ignoring or avoiding a target;
• Purposefully excluding someone from group meetings, discussions or decisions;
• Or intentionally making someone feel isolated from the team.

The Bully has not spoken to me in over 2 weeks. She is congenial and friendly to others who come into the office or she speaks to on the phone, but when I ask a question or try to start a conversation, it is met with grunts, sighs, or abrupt comments like “whatever.” Since our desks are literally right next to each other, it’s isolating and lonely. I often feel like I’m being punished, but can’t prove it.

Sign #2: Minimization

This form of abuse could involve the perpetrator:

• Discounting or diminishing someone else's views or concerns;
• Making someone else feel useless or underused;
• Or only delegating the worst of tasks or responsibilities.

Prior to when The Bully started to ignore me outright, she would talk to me about current events. Whenever I expressed an opinion different from hers (i.e., I do not believe refuges are lazy, or that Latinos are criminals, or that former President Obama is the reason we have racial violence in our nation), she has flat out told me that I am wrong, stupid and/or naïve. In work-related instances, she has commented to our bosses that I have done something wrong and “not the way she would’ve done it.” Often these are cases where it didn’t matter how something was done as long as the work got done.

Sign #3: Creating hostility among colleagues

This form of abuse could involve the perpetrator:

• Purposefully causing hostile competition between employees;
• Intentionally creating conflict;
• Fostering a hostile team environment;
• Encouraging backstabbing;
• Or publicly ranking employees.

The Bully is a gossip. She claims that she simply “tells it like it is.” She talks to other staff about people she disapproves of. She once came into work angry because a fellow colleague did not say hello to her in the hallway. She ranted to me for several minutes about how much this person thinks she is beneath him and how disrespectful he is. In reality, he didn’t see her. To everyone on staff she is kind to them in person, but the moment he/she leaves the room she tells me horrible thoughts about them (e.g., cheated on spouse, doesn’t deserve the promotion, dresses like a slut, etc.).

Sign #4: Undue criticism

This form of abuse could involve the perpetrator:

• Constantly giving unreasonable or non-constructive criticisms;
• Fostering feelings of shame or guilt in employees;
• Or making employees feel as though their work is unworthy or inadequate.

For this example, I have a story.

One Friday afternoon I compiled a binder with all of the scheduling information my brand new supervisor would need for her first week of work. The Bully looked at my binder and informed me I was treating my supervisor like a child. I calmly told The Bully not to worry about it. She had her own supervisors to take care of, and I would look after mine. She started to aggressively flip through the binder and told me it was a joke that I used post-it notes and paperclips. The Bully slammed the binder on my desk. Again, I remained calm and told her I would take care of my boss and not to worry about my supervisor. The Bully told me I was wrong and that I was ridiculous. A third time, I mentioned that my supervisor was my concern and I would take care of her schedule.

The Bully returned to her desk but continued to tell me my supervisor was not a baby and she couldn’t believe how ridiculous I was. I remained calm and even as I told The Bully that I really needed her to back-off right now so I could finish getting ready.

The Bully exploded in rage. She yelled “How dare you?!” and told me I was disrespectful. She was “done with me.” I was “nothing to her.” She stood up from her desk and stomped around yelling how disgusted she was with me. We were the only ones in our office. This continued for 3-5 minutes while I sat at my desk staring at my computer screen.

She then leaned over my desk at me and yelled “No wonder no one wants you! No wonder your previous boss got rid of you!” I picked up my cell phone and walked out of the office without comment.

I tried to call our representative from Employee Assistance Programs however there was no answer. Instead I spoke with a friend who calmed me down. After I regained my composure and returned to my desk, The Bully hugged me. She told me how much she appreciated me and that she understood I was under a lot of stress. The rest of the afternoon she was kind.

I’ve been afraid of her ever since.

Sign #5: Projection of blame, taking credit

This form of abuse could involve the perpetrator:

• Using an employee as a scapegoat for work mistakes;
• Blaming others for their own mistakes or faults;
• Or assuming credit for work that is not their own

The Bully has access to everyone’s calendars and prides herself on her scheduling prowess. She’s often shifting, moving meetings for my supervisor and not telling me. When my supervisor has questions about the meeting and why it got moved, The Bully is quick to declare that I must have made a mistake.

Sign #6: Deception

This form of abuse could involve the perpetrator:

• Lying or deceiving employees;
• Omitting information;
• Or willfully giving incorrect information.

The Bully tells stories about how she is a victim of road rage. She would tell me the play-by-play, but to others she omits that she caused the road rage by driving slow in the left lane or pulling up next to people and reprimanding them. Instead of sharing the details of how an incident was caused, she discusses how a “Mexican” threw a Starbucks cup on her windshield and explains everything that he had done wrong, leaving out the fact that she drove slow in front of him and when he pulled up next to her at a stop light, she rolled down her window and yelled at him.

Sign #7: Manipulation of employees' roles

This form of abuse could involve the perpetrator:

• Purposefully blocking progress of work;
• Falsely promising projects or career progression;
• Removing responsibilities without justification;
• Or shifting expectations or guidelines without cause.

The Bully is constantly changing the “office place” rules and I can’t keep track. She is not my boss, she is my equal, but because she has worked here longer, she dictates the rules (e.g., Currently, I’m not allowed to leave my desk for more than 15 minutes at a time, however, in the past she has encouraged me to take breaks). My first week in the office I was suffering from allergies and every time I sneezed, I did not do it properly: I was always too loud, too stifled, too disruptive.

Why Me?

According to the Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI), typical traits of targets include those who are:

• Independent (bullies seek to enslave targets and when targets take steps to preserve their dignity, their right to be treated with respect, bullies escalate their campaigns of hatred and intimidation to wrest control of the target's work).
• Targets are more technically skilled than their bullies. They are the "go-to" workers to whom employees turn for guidance. Insecure bosses and co-workers can't stand to share credit for the recognition of talent.
• Targets are better liked, they have more social skills, and quite likely possess greater emotional intelligence. They have empathy (even for their bullies). Colleagues, customers, and management (with exception to the bullies and their sponsors) appreciate the warmth that the targets bring to the workplace.
• Targets are ethical and honest. Some targets are whistleblowers who expose fraudulent practices. They tend to be guileless. The most easily exploited targets are people with a desire to help, heal, teach, develop, nurture others.
• Targets are non-confrontive. They do not respond to aggression with aggression. But the price paid for apparent submissiveness is that the bully can act with impunity (as long as the employer also does nothing).

For the past several months, I’ve been assuming I’ve been doing something wrong. That if I was only a better employee or had better personality traits, my coworker wouldn’t be so mean to me. This is the third toxic work environment I’ve encountered in the past five years. Clearly this situation is my fault.

It was a friend of mine who put a word to what was happening. I am being bullied. The sweetest, most helpful words I can hear are "It's not your fault."

I'm not a saint. I make plenty of mistakes and make bad decisions, but the derision and isolation I'm experiencing is not only inappropriate, but unfair.

What's Next?

One of the studies I read, indicated that in situations of workplace bullying, the target loses his or her job 82% of the time, whether by quitting or termination. This does not bode well for me.

I have a supervisor who supports me. She was once a victim of workplace bullying and recognized the signs almost immediately. Within the past few months, she has gone above and beyond to encourage me and show kindness. This angers The Bully. As a matter of fact, the more supportive my supervisor is to me, the crueler The Bully is. I’ve asked my supervisor to stop complimenting me or offering to pick up a Diet Dr Pepper for me when she is out of the office.

The kindness she offers, is not worth the retaliation I receive.

I recently asked my supervisor for help. I needed to get out of this toxic work environment. I’m frequently ill and tired, I have panic attacks on Sunday afternoons, I’ve been binge-eating, I have zero interest to be around people. The only joy I experience is when I'm hiking by myself in the woods.

We met with our HR director, who informed us that the next step would be to have one of The Bully’s supervisors address her behavior. We also discussed a plan to move me to a different office space and provide me with other tasks I could work on (that could not be sabotaged). This sounded great to me since I’m often bored and would love to take steps to advance my career.

Unfortunately, The Bully’s supervisor does not believe there is an issue.

He will not be speaking with The Bully about her behavior.

I will not be moving to a different space.

I will not be taking on additional tasks.

As a matter of fact, he’s disappointed in me. He believes I’m making waves.

If I just sucked it up and stopped being so sensitive, then there wouldn’t be an issue.

He suggested that I find a new job.

So here I go again.

-- UPDATE --

Since writing this blog (on May 3), I hid it while doing my job search (advised by some of my friends who work in the HR field). I've since found a new job. I start next week.

When I told The Bully, I was leaving, her response was unexpected.  She told me I needed to give her the ceramic owl I made in my pottery class last fall.  I suck at pottery. I love this owl. It's the only good thing I made. I brought it to work to hold all my pens.

The idea of giving The Bully anything was ridiculous, and the idea of giving her my favorite thing was preposterous. The idea that she demanded I give it to her was dumbfounding.

I took this photo the day I took all my personal items home. I've titled it "The Closest She'll Ever Get."

Clearly I kept it.

On my last day, she told me that she heard from people that the place I'll be starting on Monday has had a lot of people leave because of the terrible work environment.

Such a ray of sunshine, that one.

I remained silent while she went on to tell me, "that's not what I think, I'm just telling you what other people are saying about your new job."

I just stared.

She continued, "I'm sure your new job will be just fine and you have nothing to worry about."

I feel it was appropriate that she said that to me moments before I never have to see her again. It was a good reminder of why I was leaving.

No looking back.